THE VALUE OF LISTENING…REALLY LISTENING

I have very frequently seen that choosing to listen to others without our personal reactions to what we are hearing is a very good way to be with someone and feel a connection to them. It often is confusing at first as we have been influenced by a commonly held belief that we should react to what others do and to what happens. This can be by nodding our heads, saying “I know how you feel”, making facial expressions, responding with our own similar experiences, etc. I recall a time when one of my patients,  told me that she was with someone who had just experienced a loss [death] and my patient told that someone that she knew exactly how she felt. I waited a few seconds and then I asked if that person became angry with her. My patient said that she did. I waited a few more seconds and then my patient said “I guess I did’t know exactly how she felt.” I then said that my patients did not know because it is not possible to know exactly how anyone feels about anything. My patient then said that it might have been better to listen to her friend who had just experienced the death of someone. Then my patient said that she had briefly thought of listening and not reacting but it did not seem like it was enough or that it would be helpful or kind. 

So, why is listening without our personal reactions helpful? Whenever we react to someone it is like we are no longer there with them as if we are separating ourselves from them to be with ourselves [usually based on past experiences that we have had]. We feel that our experiences are similar and they may be but what seems important is that they are “our” experiences and not the experiences of the person we are with.

I recall another time when a patient of mine was talking with me after having spent time with a friend who had just experienced a loss. My patient was very self-critical because he did not know what to say, so he “just listened.” He said that his friends said they appreciated his being there and listening. He dismissed this and was convinced that they were just being nice but actually thought he was pathetic as he did not say anything. I said that he did not seem pathetic to me. Months later I asked him again about these friends and he told me that they were still expressing gratitude that he had listened. After a pause, my patient said that maybe there is something to this listening and that it is helpful. He has practiced “just listening” since that time and is now becoming even more  convinced that it is helpful. I then joked with him saying that now I know that anything that comes after “just” [eg. “just listening”] is important and valuable. 

It remains hard for many people to recognize that listening is doing something valuable and helpful. There remains a strong urge to say or do something to be helpful. It is very clear to me that being helpful is listening. Some of my patients have tried to prepare ahead and memorized empathic things that they can say at the right moment. It still is not helpful.

I have also noticed that when I listen without my personal reactions, if I need to say something I will know what to say. If I have prepared ahead of time it will not be as helpful. So, it seems that if we can listen without reacting our brain will give us something to say if it is needed. Really!

Now, if you believe that or not, try it and see.